Love in Times of Dating Apps

In this maze of dating apps apps, we are all looking for something worth fighting for. And what’s worth fighting for doesn’t happen overnight.

Like most us, my foray on dating apps was to find something that felt good. It had to feel good in the moment, at least. Whether or not it made me feel nice later, was for later. There’s really not much on the profiles you know- some take time to write an interesting bio, others leave it blank and some of us Google the best bios and copy paste.

But really what can a bio tell you about the person anyway. We don’t have great photo moments all the time, so the pics that we put up are anywhere as recent as today morning to as old as 5 years ago. That said, you may still not look like it on the actual day.

But what the hell. We want something casual and great. Why think so much?

As long as the guy/ gal isn’t a creep, it’s mostly a pleasant evening with a new person with maybe the hope of meeting again or it could just be a one time sex thing.

I met someone mid of last year. There was no reason to swipe right but only that he had swiped right first. I was fresh out of another relationship that had stopped feeling good in the moment or at all. I wasn’t raw or brooding or sad, I was just introspecting when this right swipe person showed up.

Turns out he wasn’t from the same city. Yay! That meant we didn’t have to meet till I thought it would be nice to meet him. Yeah I know dating means meeting, but after having a not so good last few months, really meeting wasn’t my thing. We began talking on the phone, texting back and forth. He came to my city to hang out with his friends and met me while he was at it. The first meeting was the usual kind- we met, we hung out at a cafe, we were both tired and went our separate ways. We planned to meet the next day. I couldn’t make it.

We met the day after and all of this crap in my head of feeling good in the moment just evaporated. I wanted to feel this good always. It wasn’t just the sex. It was the banter. It was the easy communication. It was the stories that he told me of his travels. It was the way he listened when I told him of mine.

I decided this was the good kind of casual. The kind of casual that I would like to carry on for longer.

Over time, we settled into a routine. Texting in the morning and calls at night. During the day there was sporadic texting. The other casual people who we were seeing in the same city as ours just seemed to fall off. It just happened.

As a little girl who still believed in fairy tales, I would tell my mom that if she ever had to get me married, then it would have to be in this city itself. I dig familiarity. 15 days after I met him I went to hang out with him at his city. And I know you are thinking “Big shit, so what!”. Umm yeah. It was pretty big shit for me.

Over the next 4 months, I travelled to meet him 6 times, each time staying with him 3-4 days at a stretch. The birthday months we spent a week together.

No bio or profile can tell you as much about a person as living with them can. I am sure you know that.

But after the long list of not so great moments and of relationships that didn’t work out, it can become tough to trust again. I get that it’s far more easier to protect yourself. In fact it is down right convenient. Everytime I hit a hitch with him, I thought I can still save myself the heartbreak if I leave now. Flight becomes the natural response. Because you don’t know if it can turn into the kind of thing that you would want to fight for. But yeah did I mention, that we deleted our dating apps in the early part of our relationship.

I remember telling him that I am not going to fall in love and stuff, let’s keep this light.

After having spent seven months with each other now, we are still getting to know things about the other. He’s as much a shock/ surprise to me as I am to him. But it is becoming the kind of thing that’s to fight for. When we hit a road block now, I don’t think of saving myself the heart break. I would break mine to keep his intact. The road block makes us reflect, introspect and circle back to each other having understood a little more.

So much for a die hard romantic on a dating app. So much for being casual. So much for feeling just good in the moment.

In the maze of finding what feels good, past baggage, the freshness of a new relationship, the only way to heal and find your way is to lose your heart. Again and again. Let it flow, fly and break if it has to. And through all this, remember that you will always find your way back to yourself.

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