What I really want to say is that this isn’t how I expected the future of my present to be.
Then in the present, I was dreamy, hopeful, and in love with the idea of being in a relationship. All I saw was that I wouldn’t have to miss this person any more. I would spend my time around him. Whenever in the past we had spent our stolen moments together, we were at our best. Not intentionally, but by chance. Since we didn’t meet very often, we had a larger reserve of patience for the other. We loved each other’s quirks. We loved each other’s expressions. We loved each other’s random take on the world.
But in the present of that future, we live together. So the quirks are annoying at times. This is just our scratching the surface of a relationship. We have suddenly become more than the friends who wanted to meet each other desperately. We have become room mates, flat mates, share the same washroom day in day out, fight about chores and so on. On the days that we are feeling charitable towards each other, we are also lovebirds.
There’s a sudden surge of emotion in the middle of the night when I see him in my bed. There’s a feeling of fullness when my hand touches him during sleep. He’s bothered when I don’t eat with as much regularity as him. He takes the time to make it up to me when he thinks he’s being unusually harsh.
We talk to each other in taunts. We also make fun of the other.
I want to go back to how my life used to be. But this being with him, I don’t want to give up so soon. I miss my home, my parents and mostly my mom. I ache for her and how she used to care for me. And I want what I have with him too. It’s a lot of work- a relationship. And within just a few days of moving in with him I have realised that the life that I left behind was so much more about me. And this new life has to be about us. We have to make space for each other. We have to fight, move, grudge, make space. We have to tug and tug, till both of us make it big and large enough for both of us, till it becomes something worth fighting for.
When I look at the future that I had imagined, and the future that I am now living- the future never really tells you the details. It only shows you the bigger picture. But it’s the details and how you perform on them that really make it worth anything.
Anything worth anything is never easy, especially if it is a relationship by choice.